Monday, September 20, 2010

Myself and the red-bellied newt (3)

(Continued from yesterday)

I had completely forgotten about my pet newt. Oblivion be damned! It was a horror realization. Apart from the smelly water concern, the most serious worry was that I had not fed the newt for days. Exactly how many, I could not remember. It all started with the disappointment in the rather dull reaction that I got from the creature. But, at the end of the day, it was the moral responsibility of a pet keeper to take a good care of the animal. I was negligent in that.

Of course I blamed myself. Then something extraordinary happened. I did not immediately rush to the newt tank to perform the overdue caring. I knew that I had better take a look at the newt, but I simply could not bring myself to it.

Maybe it was all a matter and workings of imagination backfired. I imagined that the newt was now dead, its body dried up and shrinking. My unconscious vividly depicted the fatal end of the lovely animal. It was all my fault. Or possibly it was still alive, suffocated in the dirty and smelly water, crying for help. Maybe it was covered all over with sticky and repelling materials now. In all likelihood it was too late.

Nothing could be done now, I kept saying to myself, as I went to school and tried not to think about the newt. My adult logic tells me now that no matter what the situation, there was no sense in postponing the actual getting to know. However, I was a weak child. Maybe every child has this weakness. The more I thought about the newt, and the more I felt responsible for it, my remorse turned into a strange inability to take any action. A agitated period of procrastination had set in. Maybe I was fearful of fear itself.

(To be continued tomorrow)


Tsumabenicho said...

My adult logic also tells the boy to take care of the helpless creature immediately.
But I am moved by the procrastination. This essay inspires me to face what we children are.
Please go on telling.

Hello, Ken chan putting on a hachimaki(headband).
He has a slender face, doesn't he?
Cool !
I can hear festival music !

yuzu said...

When I was kid,I could not take care of my pets remains.I was so week. I still can not have pets. Because I have bad memories with pets.

Few days ago, I got a beetle at veranda. I didn't know where does it come from. It was just already weak. I don't know what should I do for it. I gave some fruits and honey water. I am always idiot. It was too late.
But I could take hold him to under the grand.
But I still feel that I am always idiot and kid.